Dear President Obama, My name is Ada Mae Compton, and I am a three-legged dog who lives in GasLand. I am writing to you today because I will soon be old enough to vote (in dog years), and I am wondering if you are running on the same platform as last time. I don’t think you should. Here’s why:
In 2008, you said, “Let’s be the generation that finally frees America from the tyranny of oil.” Honestly, you haven’t yet made any substantial or authentic progress toward that end, so I think you should probably not say that again. (Some of the humans have noticed, FYI– and many of them were expecting solar panels throughout D.C. by now.)
You also said that my master would be able to look back and say, “this was the moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal.” But, you know, the moment is evaporating into the atmosphere as obviously as the thermogenic methane bubbling across PA.
Mr. President, even though I’m a female dog, I don’t like to complain without offering a solution. So, I’m going to get all pragmatic on you for a moment or two with some new campaign suggestions. There are two. They will work.
The first is this, “America, I am sorry.” At a deep level, many humans can connect with a well-placed and sincere apology. The fact of the matter is that, for the past few years, the humans have been expecting something to come to pass that you said would come to pass: change. I bet by now you’re probably sick of humans pointing this out, but like I said, this is the solution section– and an apology will work.
The second is this, “America, there is still hope. You are it.” Mr. President, please listen to my outside-of-the-species perspective when I tell you that the oppressed must liberate themselves. You see, you cannot be the leader of the oppressed unless you yourself are one of the oppressed. Quite frankly, the solution here is to admit your dependence on the people for your own existence, and then to return to the people the hope that you thought you were bringing.
You see, by claiming to be hope and change, you actually took those things away. It might seem ironic, but it’s just the way it is. Humans were waiting for you to be the hope and the change, since you said you had that base covered. Recently, over 1,250 humans have awakened to the realization that a president indeed can neither be the hope nor be the change. They have realized that they themselves must be the hope, the change.
They were arrested, hundreds at a time, outside your door over the past two weeks. I noticed you didn’t say anything about it. Listen, the humans want to know if you work with them. Communicate with them, please, in a concrete way. Start by rejecting the permit for the Keystone XL Pipeline. It’s the least you can do. It’s the first step in saying “I’m sorry,” and it’s a effective way to express solidarity with the notion that the powers of hope and change are in the arrested humans.
With much support,
Ada Mae Compton
P.S. When my master’s father read this, he said he hopes you’ll screw up enough that you won’t be re-elected. Do you seeeeee the consequences here?! You’ve got to start deploying my campaign ideas right now!